5 stages

I cant believe I live in vegas you would think it was Florida with the rain storm last night. I sat out on the porch and watched the lightning. It was really wierd weather.Its Sunday afternoon and its starting again. I am going friday to take the admittance test for two schools. I am pretty sure I qualify for the Pell Grant and then would pay the rest of the loan. One school I chose is less than the other so If I get into that one I will choose the less expensive one. Its a ninth month coarse and I would graduate in July 2010. So ya. I went to take pics of new house being built and it looks like a prison and i cant live there. The back wall is so high and the yard so small I will be claustrophobic. I am seeing If I can switch lots. the closing date will be later too but i think I can stay at my girlfriends house until then I hope.My man is taking me on a cruise in Sept so Im looking forward to that and going to bring lots of SUNSCREEN!!! and a big hat. I will have to try and go through some boxes in the garage and get some more clothes Ive been living off a couple shirts and pants for awhile since my sudden move to my friends, its a long horrific story, for another day.I get P.E.T results wed, not looking forward to it. I went to church last night to my old one, they have a 6pm service. Love Judd the pastor missed him at new church. Good message. I have been going through the 5 stages of grieving for awhile and last night I prayed more than ever for the last stage "acceptance" on every level. I just have to love myself. Love me

prayers

My prayers go out today to Elliot! You will always be my Elli and I will miss you. Im so very sorry and I hope your pain is gone.I will see you again my friend.And i promise to reach out to your wife and girls,somehow. me

sat

deciding what school to attend? Very excited and looking forward to it. Getting results on 23rd for P.E.T scan so I will know soon enough. I feel good. Hope everyone is well. Me

I am ok today getting it all back together. I actualy called for results and am waiting to hear from nurse. I am thinking of going back to school in the fall.I think it will do me good in every area of my life. I went to a great wedding Sunday with the best man on earth and had a fantastic time.It was on a golf coarse and the sun was just setting and it was beautiful , I cried and didnt even know the bride and groom until after.My prayers go out to Farrah and michaels family and friends. It makes you think how fast life goes and what really matters. Love would be it for me. Me

here we go again

I am moving today. Not happy about it at all. The plans I thought I had for my life are all messed up, so I must reinvent. I am so very sad still and will never understand some things for the rest of my time here on this earth. I have given up the health ins starting July and did not go to get my PET scan results because it just doesnt matter to me anymore.I am living the best way I can and thats all I am going to do. I have lost all hope, trust and just want to get my daughters things in order and that is it. Kim

so very hurt

I have had a day to feel what hell must feel like. My morning started in the most terrible way possible I found out there are just some people in the world that dont deserve to be here. Its funny how god puts things in your face to give you the wake-up call of your life.Ive never felt so betrayed in my life. My daughter was included in this one as well. I hurt for her more than myself if anyone deserves happiness it is her her father sure wasnt there for her.I am going in next week for yet another PET scan I have a lump under arm pit and found one on my upper left thigh that seems to be growing. I feel ok but must make sure even if I dont have another surgery at this point I dont care anymore about my health I guess Im doing it just to prove it to myself or something. Today I dont want to live anymore I am tired of pain that seems to be all I have these days. Its hard to even look for any kind of hope with nothing ever getting better. I continue to pray and try and have faith but god must be busy right now.

Memorial day

I woke up at noon. Not feeling so great! Went and saw Angels and Demons with my mom yesterday. We had dinner together and took a walk. we are actually getting along. I do love her but we see things so different. I spoke to the doctors at Nevada cancer and they are saying that the lymph-node that has grown since the surgery in march will just have to be watched and we will see if it gets bigger and then determin what to do.I guess thats it with that. I found another enlarged Lymph-node in my left upper thigh the other day I left a message with the docs we will see what they say to that. I am scared now I feel this is never going to end and I told my mom its going to get me in the end i am sure of it.I know its not a positive attitude but it is acceptance of the disease and I am trying to be ok with it.Life and death seems to be all my life is around lately.Family getting old, babies being born to friends of mine. Its all what its about I guess. Im planning a trip this week with a dear friend to transport a Harley to Louisiana. It would take a week and we would go thru New mexico and many other states I have not been so I think its the perfect time to do this. We would just stay at random motels along the way and ride during the day. We hope to leave on Friday. I cant wait. I have all the gear and am ready. I am going to run 3 miles and just hang for the day. Me